A study of self-haunting: ‘Me (and the version I’ve never been)’ by Holly Wilks
At its minimum, the reality for most of us is this: wake up, go to work, come home, have dinner, go to bed, and wake up the next day to do it all over again. There may come a point in the monotony where we snap out of it long enough to ask ourselves - is this it?
The sameness of every day is disappointing, even oppressive. We wonder how we got here, how the person looking back at us in the mirror lost sight of their dreams and allowed this tired reality to proliferate around us.
Through atmospheric melody and distinctive lyrics, Holly Wilks’ recent single, Me (And the Version I’ve Never Been), illustrates this universal malaise. Released on January 29th, the song is an exercise in self reflection. It mulls over the what-ifs of opportunities and moments overlooked. It pines for the happy, fulfilled best self the speaker could be, if only.
Holly’s opening lines, “I need a minute / I need a hug / A lobotomy and a haircut” speak to a need to slow down from the constant onslaught of the outside world. The speaker has neglected themselves: they haven’t rested, they haven’t taken the time to connect with others, and they’ve let their self care fall by the wayside - it’s all finally caught up with them. A sarcastic wish for a lobotomy to replace the speaker’s overwhelm with calm docility, while a surprising choice, is one many of us would probably go for if it meant taking a break from everything.
While youth is often envied as a time ripe with opportunity to do whatever it wants and be whoever it wants to be, youth often finds itself burned out as it chases success and plays the comparison game on social media. Case in point, after the speaker expresses their frustration and overwhelm at where they currently are in life, the first two verses end with the same question: “Are these the best days of my life?”
In the chorus, Holly says “It’s a shame / think I really could’ve been something.” Simple words, yes, but heavy with self-flagellation. She continues, “If it wasn’t for this house / This haunted place I’m in / If it wasn’t for me / And the version I’ve never been.” Many of us hold ourselves back from achieving our true potential or taking the risk to live the life we actually want. Maybe it’s a fear of failure, a fear of embarrassment, or, paradoxically, a fear of success. Whatever the reason, we have to exist for better or worse as we are now with all the regrets and what-ifs we’ve accumulated. For some, that existence is made all the more difficult by the shadow of the self we’ve “never been” following us through our days.
The single is adorned with original cover art created by Holly depicting two featureless figures sitting back to back, heads bent, their tears accumulating in puddles beneath them. A little yellow spot sits in the place where each figure’s heart should be. Looking at the image is almost disheartening - if only they each had the courage to move past their mental blocks, get out of their own way, and turn around.
Holly turns “big feelings into little songs” and has been at it for a while now, steadily putting out singles since 2023. As she said on her February 2nd Instagram post, “keep streaming my sad little song,” and there’s no doubt we will!
It’s a brave thing to admit dissatisfaction with one’s current situation. It’s another thing entirely to get up and do something about it. Holly gets it. She’s figuring it out alongside us.
Make sure to follow Holly Wilks on Instagram to keep up with her next releases, and listen to the rest of her discography on Spotify - including her latest single, Bottom Of the Bag.